Sunday, August 23, 2009

Bloody Leroy

Well, summer is approaching its end and we would be remiss if we didn't provide some refreshing drink recipes to help you enjoy the rest of it to the full. We likely all have heard of the classic Bloody Mary - that refreshing mixture of vodka, tomato juice, Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco sauce. I now introduce you to her dirty cousin: Bloody Leroy.

1 8 oz. can tomato sauce
1 6 oz. can tomato paste
1 cup black coffee
3/4 cup beer (Killian's Red preferred)
3/4 cup fruit juice (citrus: orange/pineapple/mango type)
2 T. whiskey
1 T. lemon juice
1 T. Worcestershire sauce
1 T. vinegar (red wine garlic preferred)
3 cloves garlic minced
3 jalapeño peppers minced
1/4 large onion minced (1/8 red and 1/8 white preferred)
2 1/2 t. liquid smoke
2 T. brown sugar
1 T. molasses
1 1/2 T. crushed red pepper flakes
1 cube beef bouillon
1 1/2 t. salt
1 1/2 t. ground black pepper
1 1/2 t. paprika
1 1/2 t. cayenne pepper
3 dashes basil
3 dashes oregano
3 dashes savory

Put all ingredients into a blender and blend until smooth. Chill.

I think this must be the aperitif they serve so that you won't be able to taste the rest of this macabre menu. Did the person who invented this have his tongue seared by a flaming brand when he was two or something and this is the only thing that actually produces a sensation on his tongue? Jalapeño pepper, crushed red pepper, ground black pepper and cayenne pepper: and all in not insignificant quantities. My wife is constantly amazed by my tolerance for hot and spicy foods, but this is way too much, even for me. Now I like coffee, beer, fruit juice and whiskey but the thought of mixing them all together just sends me running for the toilet. It still boggles my mind that someone would think to put all of these ingredients together in one mixture and then actually drink it! I mean, you have vegetables, fruit, alcohol, caffeine, sweet, savory, all that pepper and a little bit of beefy goodness just to round it all out. This is the drink for someone who wants to wake up, drown his sorrows, clear out his sinuses and get a bit of his needed nutrition for the day all at once. What do you get for the man who has everything and is too busy to enjoy it? A bloody Leroy. It'll save you minutes a day that you could spend relaxing or playing. Or, you know, bowing before the porcelain throne.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Tomato Preserves

I am very pleased to announce that I have a recipe for you that does not include even an iota of mayonnaise and yet still manages to tickle that gag reflex.

3 cups peeled, chopped tomatoes
2 cups sugar
1 (3 oz.) box lemon Jell-O

Boil tomatoes for 10 minutes in a medium saucepan. Add sugar and boil for another 10 minutes. Remove from heat and add lemon Jell-O, stirring gently until Jell-O is dissolved and thoroughly mixed in. Pour while still hot into glass jars. Refrigerate and use within 2 weeks. Makes about 1 pint and a small glass.

I assume you're to boil the tomatoes in their own juices without adding water since it doesn't specify anything like that. And really, you only have 3 cups tomatoes but you're adding 2 whole cups of sugar? Do we not like the flavor of tomatoes? And if that's the case why are we making preserves out of them? And we can't just add unflavored gelatin like any normal preserve recipe - it has to be lemon flavored to bring out that little extra bit of acidity and zing! I have been racking my brains to come up with a way to use this delightful little dish and I am just coming up blank. I mean, what? "I think I'll have a peanut butter and tomato jelly sandwich"? I suppose tomatoes are technically a fruit, but still. Ewww. And who comes up with a recipe that makes "1 pint and a small glass"? Are we drinking it now too? Maybe to cleanse the palate after that hefty punch.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Jade Cheese Salad

It sounds like something you might buy off a street vendor in Hong Kong. "Foh you, spesol plice. You so pletty I tink of dis when I see you!" Of course, I've never gotten anything in Hong Kong that didn't taste good.

1 large pkg. lime Jell-O
2 cups hot water
1 cup cold water
2 t. vinegar
2 t. salt
dash cayenne pepper
2 cups cottage cheese
1 cup mayonnaise
1 large can crushed pineapple

Dissolve Jell-O in hot water. Stir in cold water, vinegar, salt and cayenne pepper. Chill until slightly thickened and then whip with a beater until light and fluffy. Stir in cottage cheese and mayonnaise until thoroughly mixed. Drain pineapple and fold into mixture. Chill until firm.

Now first of all let me say that I am not at all opposed to Jell-O salads in general. I've had some very nice ones. This is not one of them, nor will it ever be.

It starts out okay until you get to the vinegar. It just goes downhill from there. What possible purpose could there be for vinegar in a Jell-O salad? I have racked my brain and I can't seem to come up with any. And right on the heels (I first typed in 'hells' by mistake, though it might be more accurate) of that you add 2 whole TEASPOONS of salt?! Apparently this is not one of those sweet Jell-O salads, but more of a savory one. Maybe you should add more than a dash of cayenne to numb your tongue so you don't have to taste the rest of it. Then we come to cottage cheese. Not my favorite cheese, but okay, I can handle it. Is 2 cups really necessary, though? And then of course, let us not forget the ubiquitous 1 cup of mayonnaise. Why is it that so many nasty recipes are drowned in mayonnaise? We need to institute some sort of federal regulation that limits the amount of mayonnaise you can use in a recipe, with life imprisonment the punishment for going over. And did anybody notice that we're adding just as much cottage cheese and mayonnaise combined as we did water to the Jell-O. There's just something wrong with the proportions here. Finally we finish it off with a lot of crushed pineapple, which I'm sure just brings everything else together into one cohesive and balanced whole. Yeah, that's it. And to achieve this monstrosity we can't just dump everything in, mix it together and let it chill. No, we need to put more effort into it. We have to whip it until it's light and fluffy. Makes me want to whip whoever came up with this recipe.