3 (12.5 oz.) cans chunk chicken (drained)
3 (8 oz.) packages cream cheese
1 (10 oz.) can condensed cream of chicken soup
1 small can jalapenos (drained)
Heat in crock pot. Serve with tortilla chips or crackers.
Please, dear God, please drain your chunk chicken cans. Lord knows we don't want all that bland chicken water messing up the dip and making it all soupy. It's okay to put in bland, watered down chicken, no problem there - especially since actually seasoning and cooking a fresh chicken breast or thigh is just WAY too much work for us modern, busy people - but we have to make sure it stays thick and creamy.
Oh, and towards that end, let's add 24 oz. of cream cheese. You know, because you can never have enough cream cheese. And 3 packages cream cheese to 3 cans chunk chicken just seems like the proper proportion, right? Of course, I mean, you have to have some condensed cream of chicken soup. It adds so much flavor! And really highlights the luxurious creaminess of this dish. The recipe just isn't right without it. And, really, if you feel like you need a little more flavor, you could bump that up to 3 cans too. Mm mm good! But wait! For that extra little zing, to just catapult your dip into the stratospheric echelons of dipdom let's add a small can (drained) of jalapeno's. Just a small can will do. 2 oz. 3 oz. Whatever the store has is fine. And you definitely don't want to add fresh jalapenos. That's a little over the top. You really want some of that flavor to leach out into the brining liquid. Sometimes less is more.
Now it gets kind of confusing. Normally, it would say something like, "Combine ingredients in crockpot and heat until warm." Nice and specific, easy to follow. But no. All we get is the rather terse, "Heat in crockpot." I'm envisioning just dumping the whole thing in, drained cans and cream cheese wrappers and all, and heating them all together. We all need a little extra...um...aluminum in our diets, right?
At last, the coup de grace! The most delicious (not to mention normal and healthy) part of the dish - the tortilla chips and crackers. Or as we say here in the upper midwest - tortihlla chips (to rhyme with flotilla). We're just crackers like that!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Monday, August 23, 2010
Mock Raspberry Jam
4 cups chopped green tomatoes
4 cups sugar
2 T. lemon juice
1 (6 oz.) package raspberry gelatin
Do not peel tomatoes. Grind tomatoes or put in food processor until chopped. Boil chopped tomatoes, sugar and lemon juice in large kettle for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat; stir in gelatin. Pour into sterilized jars. Seal with paraffin wax or lid and band and process in hot water bath.
OH. MY. DEAR. GOD. WHY?!?!?!?!
(at least it doesn't have mayonnaise)
4 cups sugar
2 T. lemon juice
1 (6 oz.) package raspberry gelatin
Do not peel tomatoes. Grind tomatoes or put in food processor until chopped. Boil chopped tomatoes, sugar and lemon juice in large kettle for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat; stir in gelatin. Pour into sterilized jars. Seal with paraffin wax or lid and band and process in hot water bath.
OH. MY. DEAR. GOD. WHY?!?!?!?!
(at least it doesn't have mayonnaise)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Broccoli Casserole
1 (16 oz.) package frozen broccoli
1/2 lb. Velveeta cheese, cut into chunks
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1/2 cup Minute rice, uncooked
1/2 cup water
1 small can mushrooms
1/2 small onion, chopped and sauteed
Mix all ingredients in crock-pot and heat until cheese melts.
Well, at least it's easy. Of course, it gives no indication as to how long it might take until the cheese melts. Are you just supposed to wait around and watch? Maybe it's not as easy as the instructions make it sound after all. Sigh.
Frozen broccoli. Nothing wrong with that. We use that in our family. Good start. Okay, moving on. Velveeta. Have you read the ingredient list? It does not inspire confidence. But it melts well. That's about the best that can be said for it. I have to wonder what kind of new super artery blocker is created in the crucible of your casserole dish when Velveeta and cream of mushroom soup (canned) are mixed together and heated. And Minute rice. Come on, people. Is it too difficult to cook some real rice ahead of time, or add some more liquid and put real rice in? I mean, Minute rice is like the Velveeta of the grain world! So, maybe it fits in pretty well in this recipe. Water is about the healthiest and yummiest ingredient so far! And canned mushrooms - really? Is it too difficult to slice a few fresh, delicious button mushrooms? And it doesn't say anything about draining them, so do you add the brine as well? You know, 'cause it doesn't have enough sodium already.
And after all of these frozen, pre-processed, pre-packaged foods, off on it's wittle wonesome, you have HALF of a fresh onion, chopped. You know, they sell chopped onions in jars in oil. Or frozen even. But I guess you have to have your standards. You've got to stop somewhere. But really, only half? I've never understood recipes that only call for part of an onion (see Bloody Leroy or Sunburst Macaroni Salad).
My favorite, though, by far, was the description of the recipe that came with it, and I quote: "Are you looking for a delectable broccoli casserole recipe? The marriage of the amazing flavors of vegetable with other ingredients is the secret to this broccoli casserole. It is generally consumed as a yummy main dish. This broccoli casserole is surely going to make you famous amongst your friends once they taste it. Try it right away!"
I have no doubt it will make you famous amongst your friends. You and your toilets. And maybe you could work on a commission basis giving referrals to a cardiologist. So see? It could be profitable for everyone. It makes you famous, gives your friends an experience to write home about, and keeps the medical establishment alive. Everybody wins!
1/2 lb. Velveeta cheese, cut into chunks
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1/2 cup Minute rice, uncooked
1/2 cup water
1 small can mushrooms
1/2 small onion, chopped and sauteed
Mix all ingredients in crock-pot and heat until cheese melts.
Well, at least it's easy. Of course, it gives no indication as to how long it might take until the cheese melts. Are you just supposed to wait around and watch? Maybe it's not as easy as the instructions make it sound after all. Sigh.
Frozen broccoli. Nothing wrong with that. We use that in our family. Good start. Okay, moving on. Velveeta. Have you read the ingredient list? It does not inspire confidence. But it melts well. That's about the best that can be said for it. I have to wonder what kind of new super artery blocker is created in the crucible of your casserole dish when Velveeta and cream of mushroom soup (canned) are mixed together and heated. And Minute rice. Come on, people. Is it too difficult to cook some real rice ahead of time, or add some more liquid and put real rice in? I mean, Minute rice is like the Velveeta of the grain world! So, maybe it fits in pretty well in this recipe. Water is about the healthiest and yummiest ingredient so far! And canned mushrooms - really? Is it too difficult to slice a few fresh, delicious button mushrooms? And it doesn't say anything about draining them, so do you add the brine as well? You know, 'cause it doesn't have enough sodium already.
And after all of these frozen, pre-processed, pre-packaged foods, off on it's wittle wonesome, you have HALF of a fresh onion, chopped. You know, they sell chopped onions in jars in oil. Or frozen even. But I guess you have to have your standards. You've got to stop somewhere. But really, only half? I've never understood recipes that only call for part of an onion (see Bloody Leroy or Sunburst Macaroni Salad).
My favorite, though, by far, was the description of the recipe that came with it, and I quote: "Are you looking for a delectable broccoli casserole recipe? The marriage of the amazing flavors of vegetable with other ingredients is the secret to this broccoli casserole. It is generally consumed as a yummy main dish. This broccoli casserole is surely going to make you famous amongst your friends once they taste it. Try it right away!"
I have no doubt it will make you famous amongst your friends. You and your toilets. And maybe you could work on a commission basis giving referrals to a cardiologist. So see? It could be profitable for everyone. It makes you famous, gives your friends an experience to write home about, and keeps the medical establishment alive. Everybody wins!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Bloody Leroy
Well, summer is approaching its end and we would be remiss if we didn't provide some refreshing drink recipes to help you enjoy the rest of it to the full. We likely all have heard of the classic Bloody Mary - that refreshing mixture of vodka, tomato juice, Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco sauce. I now introduce you to her dirty cousin: Bloody Leroy.
1 8 oz. can tomato sauce
1 6 oz. can tomato paste
1 cup black coffee
3/4 cup beer (Killian's Red preferred)
3/4 cup fruit juice (citrus: orange/pineapple/mango type)
2 T. whiskey
1 T. lemon juice
1 T. Worcestershire sauce
1 T. vinegar (red wine garlic preferred)
3 cloves garlic minced
3 jalapeño peppers minced
1/4 large onion minced (1/8 red and 1/8 white preferred)
2 1/2 t. liquid smoke
2 T. brown sugar
1 T. molasses
1 1/2 T. crushed red pepper flakes
1 cube beef bouillon
1 1/2 t. salt
1 1/2 t. ground black pepper
1 1/2 t. paprika
1 1/2 t. cayenne pepper
3 dashes basil
3 dashes oregano
3 dashes savory
Put all ingredients into a blender and blend until smooth. Chill.
I think this must be the aperitif they serve so that you won't be able to taste the rest of this macabre menu. Did the person who invented this have his tongue seared by a flaming brand when he was two or something and this is the only thing that actually produces a sensation on his tongue? Jalapeño pepper, crushed red pepper, ground black pepper and cayenne pepper: and all in not insignificant quantities. My wife is constantly amazed by my tolerance for hot and spicy foods, but this is way too much, even for me. Now I like coffee, beer, fruit juice and whiskey but the thought of mixing them all together just sends me running for the toilet. It still boggles my mind that someone would think to put all of these ingredients together in one mixture and then actually drink it! I mean, you have vegetables, fruit, alcohol, caffeine, sweet, savory, all that pepper and a little bit of beefy goodness just to round it all out. This is the drink for someone who wants to wake up, drown his sorrows, clear out his sinuses and get a bit of his needed nutrition for the day all at once. What do you get for the man who has everything and is too busy to enjoy it? A bloody Leroy. It'll save you minutes a day that you could spend relaxing or playing. Or, you know, bowing before the porcelain throne.
1 8 oz. can tomato sauce
1 6 oz. can tomato paste
1 cup black coffee
3/4 cup beer (Killian's Red preferred)
3/4 cup fruit juice (citrus: orange/pineapple/mango type)
2 T. whiskey
1 T. lemon juice
1 T. Worcestershire sauce
1 T. vinegar (red wine garlic preferred)
3 cloves garlic minced
3 jalapeño peppers minced
1/4 large onion minced (1/8 red and 1/8 white preferred)
2 1/2 t. liquid smoke
2 T. brown sugar
1 T. molasses
1 1/2 T. crushed red pepper flakes
1 cube beef bouillon
1 1/2 t. salt
1 1/2 t. ground black pepper
1 1/2 t. paprika
1 1/2 t. cayenne pepper
3 dashes basil
3 dashes oregano
3 dashes savory
Put all ingredients into a blender and blend until smooth. Chill.
I think this must be the aperitif they serve so that you won't be able to taste the rest of this macabre menu. Did the person who invented this have his tongue seared by a flaming brand when he was two or something and this is the only thing that actually produces a sensation on his tongue? Jalapeño pepper, crushed red pepper, ground black pepper and cayenne pepper: and all in not insignificant quantities. My wife is constantly amazed by my tolerance for hot and spicy foods, but this is way too much, even for me. Now I like coffee, beer, fruit juice and whiskey but the thought of mixing them all together just sends me running for the toilet. It still boggles my mind that someone would think to put all of these ingredients together in one mixture and then actually drink it! I mean, you have vegetables, fruit, alcohol, caffeine, sweet, savory, all that pepper and a little bit of beefy goodness just to round it all out. This is the drink for someone who wants to wake up, drown his sorrows, clear out his sinuses and get a bit of his needed nutrition for the day all at once. What do you get for the man who has everything and is too busy to enjoy it? A bloody Leroy. It'll save you minutes a day that you could spend relaxing or playing. Or, you know, bowing before the porcelain throne.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Tomato Preserves
I am very pleased to announce that I have a recipe for you that does not include even an iota of mayonnaise and yet still manages to tickle that gag reflex.
3 cups peeled, chopped tomatoes
2 cups sugar
1 (3 oz.) box lemon Jell-O
Boil tomatoes for 10 minutes in a medium saucepan. Add sugar and boil for another 10 minutes. Remove from heat and add lemon Jell-O, stirring gently until Jell-O is dissolved and thoroughly mixed in. Pour while still hot into glass jars. Refrigerate and use within 2 weeks. Makes about 1 pint and a small glass.
I assume you're to boil the tomatoes in their own juices without adding water since it doesn't specify anything like that. And really, you only have 3 cups tomatoes but you're adding 2 whole cups of sugar? Do we not like the flavor of tomatoes? And if that's the case why are we making preserves out of them? And we can't just add unflavored gelatin like any normal preserve recipe - it has to be lemon flavored to bring out that little extra bit of acidity and zing! I have been racking my brains to come up with a way to use this delightful little dish and I am just coming up blank. I mean, what? "I think I'll have a peanut butter and tomato jelly sandwich"? I suppose tomatoes are technically a fruit, but still. Ewww. And who comes up with a recipe that makes "1 pint and a small glass"? Are we drinking it now too? Maybe to cleanse the palate after that hefty punch.
3 cups peeled, chopped tomatoes
2 cups sugar
1 (3 oz.) box lemon Jell-O
Boil tomatoes for 10 minutes in a medium saucepan. Add sugar and boil for another 10 minutes. Remove from heat and add lemon Jell-O, stirring gently until Jell-O is dissolved and thoroughly mixed in. Pour while still hot into glass jars. Refrigerate and use within 2 weeks. Makes about 1 pint and a small glass.
I assume you're to boil the tomatoes in their own juices without adding water since it doesn't specify anything like that. And really, you only have 3 cups tomatoes but you're adding 2 whole cups of sugar? Do we not like the flavor of tomatoes? And if that's the case why are we making preserves out of them? And we can't just add unflavored gelatin like any normal preserve recipe - it has to be lemon flavored to bring out that little extra bit of acidity and zing! I have been racking my brains to come up with a way to use this delightful little dish and I am just coming up blank. I mean, what? "I think I'll have a peanut butter and tomato jelly sandwich"? I suppose tomatoes are technically a fruit, but still. Ewww. And who comes up with a recipe that makes "1 pint and a small glass"? Are we drinking it now too? Maybe to cleanse the palate after that hefty punch.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Jade Cheese Salad
It sounds like something you might buy off a street vendor in Hong Kong. "Foh you, spesol plice. You so pletty I tink of dis when I see you!" Of course, I've never gotten anything in Hong Kong that didn't taste good.
1 large pkg. lime Jell-O
2 cups hot water
1 cup cold water
2 t. vinegar
2 t. salt
dash cayenne pepper
2 cups cottage cheese
1 cup mayonnaise
1 large can crushed pineapple
Dissolve Jell-O in hot water. Stir in cold water, vinegar, salt and cayenne pepper. Chill until slightly thickened and then whip with a beater until light and fluffy. Stir in cottage cheese and mayonnaise until thoroughly mixed. Drain pineapple and fold into mixture. Chill until firm.
Now first of all let me say that I am not at all opposed to Jell-O salads in general. I've had some very nice ones. This is not one of them, nor will it ever be.
It starts out okay until you get to the vinegar. It just goes downhill from there. What possible purpose could there be for vinegar in a Jell-O salad? I have racked my brain and I can't seem to come up with any. And right on the heels (I first typed in 'hells' by mistake, though it might be more accurate) of that you add 2 whole TEASPOONS of salt?! Apparently this is not one of those sweet Jell-O salads, but more of a savory one. Maybe you should add more than a dash of cayenne to numb your tongue so you don't have to taste the rest of it. Then we come to cottage cheese. Not my favorite cheese, but okay, I can handle it. Is 2 cups really necessary, though? And then of course, let us not forget the ubiquitous 1 cup of mayonnaise. Why is it that so many nasty recipes are drowned in mayonnaise? We need to institute some sort of federal regulation that limits the amount of mayonnaise you can use in a recipe, with life imprisonment the punishment for going over. And did anybody notice that we're adding just as much cottage cheese and mayonnaise combined as we did water to the Jell-O. There's just something wrong with the proportions here. Finally we finish it off with a lot of crushed pineapple, which I'm sure just brings everything else together into one cohesive and balanced whole. Yeah, that's it. And to achieve this monstrosity we can't just dump everything in, mix it together and let it chill. No, we need to put more effort into it. We have to whip it until it's light and fluffy. Makes me want to whip whoever came up with this recipe.
1 large pkg. lime Jell-O
2 cups hot water
1 cup cold water
2 t. vinegar
2 t. salt
dash cayenne pepper
2 cups cottage cheese
1 cup mayonnaise
1 large can crushed pineapple
Dissolve Jell-O in hot water. Stir in cold water, vinegar, salt and cayenne pepper. Chill until slightly thickened and then whip with a beater until light and fluffy. Stir in cottage cheese and mayonnaise until thoroughly mixed. Drain pineapple and fold into mixture. Chill until firm.
Now first of all let me say that I am not at all opposed to Jell-O salads in general. I've had some very nice ones. This is not one of them, nor will it ever be.
It starts out okay until you get to the vinegar. It just goes downhill from there. What possible purpose could there be for vinegar in a Jell-O salad? I have racked my brain and I can't seem to come up with any. And right on the heels (I first typed in 'hells' by mistake, though it might be more accurate) of that you add 2 whole TEASPOONS of salt?! Apparently this is not one of those sweet Jell-O salads, but more of a savory one. Maybe you should add more than a dash of cayenne to numb your tongue so you don't have to taste the rest of it. Then we come to cottage cheese. Not my favorite cheese, but okay, I can handle it. Is 2 cups really necessary, though? And then of course, let us not forget the ubiquitous 1 cup of mayonnaise. Why is it that so many nasty recipes are drowned in mayonnaise? We need to institute some sort of federal regulation that limits the amount of mayonnaise you can use in a recipe, with life imprisonment the punishment for going over. And did anybody notice that we're adding just as much cottage cheese and mayonnaise combined as we did water to the Jell-O. There's just something wrong with the proportions here. Finally we finish it off with a lot of crushed pineapple, which I'm sure just brings everything else together into one cohesive and balanced whole. Yeah, that's it. And to achieve this monstrosity we can't just dump everything in, mix it together and let it chill. No, we need to put more effort into it. We have to whip it until it's light and fluffy. Makes me want to whip whoever came up with this recipe.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Hefty Punch
Even before I read the recipe I was thinking that you should not be ingesting anything that makes you think of "Hefty, hefty cinch sack".
2 quarts white vinegar
1 cup diced pears
1 small can oysters in oil
2 T. Worcestershire sauce
1/4 cup buttermilk
Combine all ingredients. Serve lukewarm in crystal goblets.
If the road to hell is paved with creamy sandwiches, this is what they serve for refreshments once you get there. Let's see: you have fruit, seafood, and dairy. The vinegar and the oil from the oysters combine to create a, um, "delicious" vinaigrette. The buttermilk cuts the acid of the vinegar (I think?). And you get a little zing from the Worcestershire sauce. Over all I'd say a very balanced meal...I mean drink. I think the same person created this monstrosity as came up with creamy sandwiches. Once again we are instructed to serve something utterly disgusting in a nice dish. Do they really think that nobody will notice what's inside? "Oh, what beautiful goblets! I can't wait to taste what's inside. It must be just to die for." Or from. What's the phrase? Champagne taste on a beer budget. Only this is more like sewer rat taste on a gourmet budget.
2 quarts white vinegar
1 cup diced pears
1 small can oysters in oil
2 T. Worcestershire sauce
1/4 cup buttermilk
Combine all ingredients. Serve lukewarm in crystal goblets.
If the road to hell is paved with creamy sandwiches, this is what they serve for refreshments once you get there. Let's see: you have fruit, seafood, and dairy. The vinegar and the oil from the oysters combine to create a, um, "delicious" vinaigrette. The buttermilk cuts the acid of the vinegar (I think?). And you get a little zing from the Worcestershire sauce. Over all I'd say a very balanced meal...I mean drink. I think the same person created this monstrosity as came up with creamy sandwiches. Once again we are instructed to serve something utterly disgusting in a nice dish. Do they really think that nobody will notice what's inside? "Oh, what beautiful goblets! I can't wait to taste what's inside. It must be just to die for." Or from. What's the phrase? Champagne taste on a beer budget. Only this is more like sewer rat taste on a gourmet budget.
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